I couldn’t find an artist for this image, but found it via Pinterest here.
I have been, in the past five days since my first post’s publishing (and since I started working on this new blog), really beating myself up over what my first few posts should be about. Being at home- and without my campus job’s income- means that I have a lot of limited space to do things, and access to not only some of my tools but things that I tend to like to purchase such as candles, incense, and the like. Especially this summer, it’s been feeling a bit like I’m not doing much that seems worthy of a blog post.
I have, however, been doing a lot of thinking and planning.
As I mentioned in my previous post, a lot of my focus this summer has been on improving my self in the sense of health, organization, etc. and really jump-starting my spiritual practice which had all but ground to a halt entirely over the course of the last year. I had some ideas about what this might mean when I left Grand Valley for the summer, but it’s turning out to have touched me on even deeper levels than I could have ever imagined. It seemed simple enough to come up with some daily things to do, go on some camping trips, get my inspiration flowing again. What has begun, instead, is a complete transformation of self.
Now, I’m sure if I looked good, long, and hard enough back at journals and the like, I could see the beginnings of this change hiding out in the months leading into summer break. The more noticeable thing, however, was a sudden resurgence of Morrigan imagery after many many many months of very little nudge from anything at all. Almost as soon as I acknowledged that perhaps this message was for me, and not a close friend of mine, things began to pick up rather rapidly right before my most recent camping trip. I kept getting more and more and more of that crow/raven and warrior goddess imagery, and quite literally the day before I left for the camping trip, a filling broke in one of my teeth. What I had been planning, really, was eating healthier, meditating more, doing witchy things… But Morrigan came knocking and insisted on something else: over the last several years, I’ve taken pretty dreadful care of my teeth. Depression kicks in, and my will to care sometimes just drifts away. This was a jarring wake up call- to not only face some deep fears (I hate dentists, and have developed this weird thing where I worry about how bad the news will be and therefore avoid hearing it), and to take better care of myself. It’s something I’ve added to my list of things to work on for the summer, and I’m already starting to feel a bit better (though I’m still in need of some dental work done).
During the trip, a dear friend of mine brought out some shadow working and self-analysis prompts that were posted on Kelly-Ann Maddox’s site, and I’ve really started to address things like how I truly feel about various aspects, how I handle fears and angers, etc. We’ve continued these prompts over the last couple of weeks.
The other really big change in my life came with what felt like a random whim to sort of revive my more classy-goth sense of style in the couple of days before my birthday on the 2nd of this month. I’d been at the library and picked up a copy of Walking the Twilight Path: A Gothic Book of the Dead, which I’ve admittedly not delved into quite yet (but seems to really delve into some personal vs/ slightly anthropological-ish issues involving death, dying, etc. and seems like a book I’ll order on Amazon because I may not have time to get to it this summer), as well as a couple of other more light-hearted books on the goth subculture.
On my birthday itself, I set out to sort of search for some new clothes to sort of reflect this darker aspect of self I was embracing, and ended up visiting my local metaphysical shop with my mom and aunt. I received both a tarot and astrology reading (from my aunt and the shop’s owner respectively), and had a good, long talk with them about what the future had in store for me as I turned twenty-two and was headed into my final year in university. In both readings, the themes of rebirth, redefining the self, working through a lot of shit, and looking towards a future seemed super prevalent. But what started the real turn-around of the conversation was them asking me what I wanted to do for a career once I’d graduated.
And it sort of hit me: I don’t want to work in a museum. I don’t want to go to grad school. I don’t want to continuously do historical research- not for a living, anyway. That’s not what I find fascinating about history. What I find really interesting is the ways in which history acts as a many-faceted story of us: humanity, and it’s really those stories- and the stories that often go unheard that interest me, not what can be researched and argued. I also bemoaned that being a witch, doing tarot readings, writing pagan books, blogging, etc. is not exactly an easy way to make money (though I damn well think it should be). I said, sort of off-handedly, that I’d debated going into mortuary work: more specifically funeral directing and the sort of pre-need counseling type stuff. Of course, the shop’s owner gets excited because that seems to match quite well with my chart.
But the more I thought about it that day and in the few days that followed, the more it sort of made sense. It’s something which allows me to use my spiritual, compassionate side- to assist others in dealing with what is arguably one of the greater transitions in life: its end. There’s a creative, compassionate element to it; it echoes the sense of purpose I get when I think about being a priestess and leading others through ritual. I have a post detailing my thoughts on ritual and its purpose on my older blog, found here, but essentially, my thought is that ritual is supposed to in some way be transformative and transitional. One should leave ritual slightly different than when they entered. It also sort of reflects my views on the Wylde Hunt, my feeling drawn to them, what I’ve always sort of felt my purpose in working with them is, and how they act in the grand scheme of the cosmos. Detailed here, it is essentially that the Wylde Hunt for me acts as a sort of psychopompic force; that they are the necessary end to life, but also the ferriers of souls into whatever next state of being they are destined for.
And with the Morrigan death/war/crone goddess symbolism and presence around, with the darker themes of shadow/self-work and even the stylistic choices, it all just suddenly seemed to make sense. I looked up the information I needed, and could get certified to be an apprentice and work in the funeral industry within a year after graduating if I enroll and complete a 21-credit online program from a university only about 45 minutes away from where my boyfriend is living in Florida. Suddenly, even moving down to Florida to be with the man I love dearly makes a lot of practical sense that I seemed to be lacking in the beginning.
I sort of joked that I’d gotten some new tops, a new bra, and my life-purpose for my birthday.
With all of this change, it’ll be interesting to see where else this flow takes me by the end of the summer.
Lots of love to you all,